How Our Fear of Disconnection Can Cause More Disconnection
People need relationships to flourish, even to stay alive. This may be intuitive, but there is also an abundance of psychological research that demonstrates the connection between social support and health, both physical and mental. The growing neuroscience research also aligns, showing that our brains literally grow and new neural pathways are created when we connect and form relationships with others. On the other hand, neurons die because of disconnection (i.e., rejection, isolation). Similar neural pathways fire when we experience social pain as when we experience physical pain. Getting “hurt” in a relationship is real! Rather than face the possibility of this pain, people often do whatever they can to avoid it, even if it hurts them in the long-term.
Strategy of Disconnection
Relational-Cultural Therapy, a newer theory of therapy, utilizes a term called “strategy of disconnection” to describe an attempt to avoid disconnection that only actually perpetuates disconnection. Our fear of disconnection can be so great that we do whatever we can to avoid it in the immediate. However, these avoidance strategies, while effective to some degree in the short-term, often have long-term consequences that result in deeper-lying disconnection.
Examples of Strategies of Disconnection
So, what does a strategy of disconnection actually look like? A general way of looking at this is when people have their “guard up” when it comes to relationships. They may avoid opening up to others about certain struggles/concerns or avoid dating altogether. If one does not open up about their struggles, this ensures that someone else would not be able to break their trust by telling others or hurt them by not empathizing with the struggles. And if someone does not enter the dating world, then it is impossible to be rejected by someone. These strategies do indeed protect from pain in the moment, but they result in disconnection in the long-term. Without being vulnerable, deeper connections with others cannot be forged. Without putting oneself out in the dating world, true love will not be found. Rejection is immediate pain (and it is indeed painful) – loneliness, however, is prolonged pain.
Balance
In calling attention to these strategies, I am not suggesting that everyone needs to go out and be vulnerable with everyone all the time. It is important to note that having boundaries is healthy. We need to be intentional about who we decide to be vulnerable with and when we decide to be vulnerable. Taking breaks from something like dating for a certain period of time can also provide important time to process a previous relationship and heal.
How to Break These Patterns
The first step is having awareness that these patterns are happening. It could help to talk to someone, like a therapist, to dive into this. How much are you yourself contributing to any sense of disconnection through strategies of disconnection? Can you identify any strategies of disconnection? It can be hard to take accountability, but we can only control ourselves and thus this is where real change can happen. Reflect on previous relationships and what may be contributing to any of your current avoidance. Learning where our avoidance comes from can help start to release some of its power over us. Once you have a better awareness of how your past impacts your present, can you do a better job of separating the past from the present? We all bring our past experiences into our present. When something triggers us, it is important to differentiate if that is due to something that happened in the past or if something happening currently is the root of the hurt. And finally, breaking out of these patterns takes a certain amount of risk. Being vulnerable is brave because there is always a chance that we get hurt. But the risk can be more than worthy of the reward.
Are you realizing you may be engaging in a strategy of disconnection? Or maybe you’re not sure, but you do know that you desire to have deeper, more meaningful relationships. You might benefit from working with one of our caring therapists!
1. Contact Sunrise Counseling
2. Meet with one of our caring therapists
Mental Health Services at Sunrise Counseling in Dallas, TX
Sunrise Counseling offers a variety of mental health services in our Dallas TX-based therapy office and offers telehealth therapy to those residing in Texas and Colorado. Mental health services we provide at Sunrise Counseling include: