Perfectionism in Kids: When Trying Hard Becomes Too Hard
It’s wonderful when children want to do their best—whether that’s on a math test, an art project, or the soccer field. But sometimes, that healthy motivation can turn into something stressful and exhausting. When “trying hard” becomes “never feeling good enough,” perfectionism may be taking hold.
At Sunrise Counseling of Dallas, we often see perfectionism appear even in early elementary years. While it can look like a child who’s simply driven or organized, underneath there’s often a lot of pressure and worry.
How Perfectionism Shows Up in Kids
Perfectionism can sneak in quietly. For younger children, it might look like:
Crying over small mistakes on homework or art projects.
Refusing to try something new if they’re not sure they’ll do it perfectly.
Starting over repeatedly because something doesn’t “look right.”
Asking for reassurance constantly, like “Did I do it right?” or “Do you still like it?”
Getting upset when they lose a game or receive feedback.
At school, teachers might notice a student erasing constantly, working extra slowly, or panicking over small corrections. At home, parents might see meltdowns during homework, reluctance to show drawings, or even refusal to participate in fun activities if things aren’t “just so.”
These reactions can take the joy out of learning, playing, and exploring new skills—things that are so important for childhood development.
The Connection Between Perfectionism, Anxiety, and Self-Esteem
Perfectionism often grows from a deep fear of making mistakes. Kids may worry that if they mess up, others will think less of them—or that they’ll disappoint their parents or teachers.
This constant pressure can lead to anxiety, tummy aches, trouble sleeping, and even avoidance (“I don’t want to go to school today” or “I don’t want to play that game anymore”).
Over time, it can also affect self-esteem. Instead of seeing themselves as capable learners, perfectionistic kids may start believing they’re “only good” when they succeed. They begin to measure their worth by outcomes, not effort.
That’s a heavy weight for a child to carry.
How Parents’ Perfectionism Plays a Role
Children learn more from what we do than what we say. When parents struggle with perfectionism—apologizing for small things, over-preparing, or being overly critical of themselves—kids notice.
If you’ve ever caught yourself saying things like “I can’t believe I messed that up” or “This has to be perfect before I send it,” your child may start to internalize the same messages.
The good news? Working on your own self-compassion can be one of the best gifts you give your child. When parents show that mistakes are normal, fixable, and not the end of the world, kids start to relax and take more healthy risks.
Modeling calmness when things don’t go as planned (“Oops, I forgot the milk. That’s okay, we’ll go back!”) teaches far more than a lecture about perfection ever could.
Encouraging Effort Over Outcome
Helping children develop a growth mindset—where they value effort and learning over flawless results—takes patience and practice. Here are a few ideas that can help:
Praise effort, not just success. Instead of “You’re so smart,” try “I love how hard you worked on that.”
Celebrate mistakes as learning moments. Say things like, “That’s how we learn new things!”
Set realistic expectations. Help your child understand that everyone needs practice and that even adults make mistakes.
Model trying new things. Let your child see you do something outside your comfort zone—like cooking a new recipe or playing a sport—and handle it with humor.
Encourage curiosity. Ask, “What did you notice while you were building that?” instead of “Did it turn out right?”
These small shifts help children learn that growth and effort are what matter most—not perfection.
How Therapy Can Help
If your child’s perfectionism is leading to tears, avoidance, or constant self-criticism, therapy can be a wonderful source of support.
A therapist can help children:
Understand that mistakes are part of learning.
Challenge anxious thoughts about “not being good enough.”
Build confidence and flexibility.
Practice calming skills for when frustration rises.
Therapy can also help parents notice patterns in family life that reinforce pressure and learn strategies for modeling healthy coping and realistic expectations at home.
At Sunrise Counseling of Dallas, our child therapists create safe, encouraging spaces where children can learn that it’s okay to be perfectly imperfect.
FAQ: Perfectionism in Kids
1. My child gets very upset when they make small mistakes. Should I be worried?
It’s common for children to want to do well, but if the frustration is intense or keeps them from enjoying activities, perfectionism may be affecting their emotional well-being.
2. How can I help my child calm down when things don’t go as planned?
Validate their feelings first (“I can see you’re disappointed”) and then gently guide them toward problem-solving or perspective-taking (“What could we try differently next time?”).
3. Does therapy really help kids this young?
Yes! Elementary-age children often respond very well to child therapy, especially when it involves play, creativity, and emotional coaching. Early support helps prevent anxiety patterns from becoming lifelong habits.
About the Author
Janie English is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor at Sunrise Counseling in Dallas. A Dallas native, she earned her BA and MA in Sociology from the University of Texas at Dallas and her MA in Counseling from Texas Tech University. Janie has specialized training in Complex Trauma Therapy and is also a certified Special Education teacher and Dyslexia instructor. She works with children, teens, adults, couples, and families, helping clients navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, learning challenges, and life transitions. When she’s not working, Janie enjoys reading, playing pickleball and golf, and spending time with her family and energetic dog.
Taking the Next Step
If your child’s drive to “get it right” is starting to take the joy out of learning or play, you don’t have to face it alone. At Sunrise Counseling of Dallas, we help children build confidence, flexibility, and self-kindness—so they can keep trying without the pressure of perfection. Call us today to schedule an appointment or Visit Sunrise Counseling to learn more about how we can support your family.
Together, we can help your child rediscover the joy in trying, not just achieving.
Reach out to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists.
Visit our website to learn more about the variety of counseling services we offer.
Take the first step by starting child therapy or family counseling with one of our caring therapists.
Mental Health Services at Sunrise Counseling in Dallas, TX
Sunrise Counseling offers a variety of mental health services in our Dallas TX-based therapy office and offers telehealth therapy to those residing in Texas and Colorado. Mental health services we provide at Sunrise Counseling include: